Divorce and Kids Part (3)

Good evening everyone,

I just wanted to comment on some of the comments left by one of the readers.

He or she mentioned that: "My father never spoke ill of my mother but he talked about money problems around us (not to us) sighed about bills, we in turn felt guilty about holidays. He always expressed how much he missed us, too much in fact, he always asked if we wanted to stay longer and we felt guilty because we didn't. When we got a little older he said if we wanted to we could live with him. We felt VERY guilty we didn't. Believe it or not your children may want to live in one home. They may want to stay where their friends are and if one spouse is upset about not spending time with them they feel guilty about not really wanting too. I told my mother what dad said about living with him. She took the guilt away from me by telling me it was NOT my choice but hers that I live with her. That I had no choice.Giving your children a stable home is more important than you'll ever know. It meant my father didn't get what he wanted as an adult I know this and understand it, as a child I did not understand it."

I have some questions for the reader. I would appreciate it if you could share your experience with us. As I can see, your mother "took the guilt away" by telling you that it was her decision. My question is, if this is true, how fair was that to your Dad to make a one-sided decision without asking him how he felt?

You said that stability was very important for you as a child, which I agree with, but would it have been as good, had you lived with your Dad on a permanent basis and visited with your Mom. In other words, if things had been reversed, would it have been OK?

One more question: did your Dad agree to let your Mom have custody of you and your siblings, or did they go to court to achieve that? I am not siding with your Mom or your Dad here, rather, I am siding with fairness!

Thank you for willing to share your answers with us.

Have a good night everyone!

Dr. Dreamer

Divorce and Kids (Comments-part 1)

Dear Readers,

Tonight, I am going to share with you the comments of one of my readers. I would like to thank her or him for sending me her or his thoughts, and for her or his good wishes. She or he wrote the following:


"Hello,I am not going through a divorce, I am married and have one child we struggle, work and build upon our relationship every day and while I would like to say it's great it's not always great. Relationships take work. I am from a divorced family. I would say based on some of what I read I came from a friendly divorce. However for children there is nothing friendly about it. I cannot imagine how awful it would have been if it was a bitter divorce but I can say that though my parents both left this marriage bitter about it they did their best to keep it away from us kids.However even the best intentions do not go they way we wish. I had counselling at a young age and many things came out from this that parents had no idea they were doing. I hope to share a bit of my experience to you to use as you see fit.First, talking about the other spouse is not a good idea. Yes it seem obvious that talking bad about your spouse is not good that is rather clear. However everything you say your children may take in a way you had no intention of doing. My parents rarely spoke ill of each other in fact keep the "anger" away from us. But they didn't keep the body language away. Or the sigh where's the support check, or the I don't have much money comments, or rolling eyes. Example: My mother was never pushy with my father about support, keep the same amount the entire time never raked him for all his money and never prevented him from seeing us. She did complain within ear shot when he was late. She did show through body language her frustrations. My father never spoke ill of my mother but he talked about money problems around us (not to us) sighed about bills, we in turn felt guilty about holidays. He always expressed how much he missed us, too much in fact, he always asked if we wanted to stay longer and we felt guilty because we didn't. When we got a little older he said if we wanted to we could live with him. We felt VERY guilty we didn't. Believe it or not your children may want to live in one home. They may want to stay where their friends are and if one spouse is upset about not spending time with them they feel guilty about not really wanting too. I told my mother what dad said about living with him. She took the guilt away from me by telling me it was NOT my choice but hers that I live with her. That I had no choice.Giving your children a stable home is more important than you'll ever know. It meant my father didn't get what he wanted as an adult I know this and understand it, as a child I did not understand it. I cannot pretend to know your children but I can say you may not know what they really want because saying what they want could mean hurting you or your spouse.Biggest tip I can give to divorced parents for their children. Counselling period. A third party NOT involved who does not have past hurts and an agenda will do your children more good than you can know.Another tip I can give parents is this. You can only control what you do nothing else. You cannot control the money, you cannot control the spouses home, friends, family you can only control what you do. So do NOT think about the money, do not think about who spends more time with the kids. Only think about the time you have with your kids period. If your spouse blows the support on clothes then fine you cannot control it nor do we want a government or laws coming into our homes telling us what we can or cannot spend money on. It's an impossible request to have how the support money is spent controlled. For everyone who abuses it you'll have just as many who would abuse someone by harassing them with how they spend the money. Just know as a parent that children have a right to be financially supported by both parents. If you pay support you have doing your part. You cannot control the other parent so don't worry about it.Once you take the anger out, they he/she should be doing this or that then you will not have to worry about the body language, hushed conversations, tone your children may pick up.I would suggest for a bitter divorce and the anger to get counselling a war is never fought alone it takes two you may have the best intentions, she may be the witch of the north but if there is war then you are talking part if she is warring by herself it will become very clear rather quick. I'm not saying you cannot fight for custody, or fair support but keep your anger out of it (which is why counselling is a very good idea), just do what you can. Life is not fair and the ones who are really cheated are your children consider when you are upset what they go through then maybe what he or she is doing won't seem so important.And remember your children love you, even if they are using one parent against another (which they do if married or not) is purely normal. Just setup your house with your rules and values it will affect your children in the long run. If you have a child using you and your spouse then take the power of that away by respecting what goes on in your spouses home. You can say "well what your mother does at home is fine that is her home, but here I say no". Here is a thought to consider this is the children's viewpoint. You picked your spouse, you choose to have kids and more kids even knowing many of things that you did not like about her. This is your error, your mistake.Your children did not choose you or their mother. They were put in this family without choice, they are going through this divorce without a choice, they live where they are without a choice.Life is not fair but you can teach them how to behave, have morals and values while facing an extreme situation. You can show them how to get along with someone you do not like. You can turn this divorce into the greatest lesson you can teach them how to act, behave, and conduct themselves by your example. You can also show them how to heal yourself and move on. How to be compassionate, and understanding. How to be the bigger person even if you are right.Anyway this is only a viewpoint from an experienced adult who went through divorce even with the best of parents. Please take this all as a suggestion you probably are doing most of it maybe all of it and if so then I am expressing my support. Maybe you'll find a good suggestion maybe not. I do not say it negatively though some of it might be but I say it in a way I hope will help you and others.

Best to you and your children."

In-Laws and Divorce Part (3)

Dear Loyal, and New Readers,

Tonight, I will talk about in-laws and the problems they may cause.

I understand that we all love our families, i.e. our mom, dad, brothers, sisters, etc...However, this does not mean that, when we get married, we should let them dictate to us how we should behave with our spouses. Unfortunately, it seems almost impossible to keep family members from interfering.

If you want your marriage to be a successful one, make sure to reduce the interference from your family members into your marriage. The husband and the wife have to learn to separate the two. They have to explain to their respective family members that not letting them interfere does not mean that they do not love them!

With this thought....Good night!

Dr. Dreamer

Parenting Guidance/Advice

Good evening!

Tonight, I am going to talk a little bit about kids and parenting or parental guidance.

The key idea here is for divorced parents to raise their children to the best of their abilities without trying to interfere with the other parent's rearing skills. Sure, you may disagree with the other parent in terms of raising your children, which might be one of or the main reason for your divorce, however, you should not focus all of your attention on what's happening in the other house. Rather, you should focus on what you can do and what you can impart to your kids be it etiquette, good table manners, or knowledge, etc...

Clearly, I am talking to both mom and dad here! If you do your part of the job, then the kids will turn out fine.

Good luck everyone!

Dr. Dreamer

Is the Law Fair? Part (4)

Dear Loyal Readers,

A little more on that subject.....

When the Law metes out justice, and hence, Child Support, it does not check how the money is spent and on whom! In other words, the parent, who is awarded Child Support, may use or misuse the money in any way that she or he pleases. Now, how fair is that?

The idea behind Child Support is to ensure that the children are well taken care of, and that there is a financial balance for the kids between Dad's house and Mom's house. However, the Law does not make the effort to look into how the money is spent. This is deplorable, for any party might just misuse the money and spend a big part of it on himself or herself!

Again, these Laws ought to be revisited. It is very sad to think that some people take advantage of the system to get as much money as they can without having to work! How fair is it to the other party who has to work, pay Child Support, and yet pay for his or her kids' needs while under their own care?!

I hope that none of you out there is guilty of that!

Until next time, I bid you a good night!

Dr. Dreamer

Is Family Law Fair? Part (3)

Good evening!

Last time, I mentioned that I would expound on the subject.

Here is how Family Law operates, which, you will see, defies any logical thinking. It really makes you wonder who wrote these Family Laws?

In essence, here is what happens when there is a divorce that involves minor children. The Law gives the Children, and Child Support to one parent, and leaves the other parent with nothing!


Family Law has its preference, as to which parent should get custody of the minor children. This may not necessarily be, and in fact isn't most of the time, the wish of the parent who does not get custody of the children. Then, to add insult to injury, the law dictates that the parent who does not get custody of the children pay the other parent child support. Here is the fallacy in the reasoning: first, the law forces that parent not to have custody of his or her children, and second, it forces her or him to pay child support to the other parent for a decision with which she or he is not agreeing.

I would, however, concur with the Law if one of the parents willingly conceded custody to the other parent. However, most of the time, this is not the case. Some of the Laws ought to be revisited, and rewritten....... by a human being!

Until next time, good night!

Dr. Dreamer

Is Family Law Fair? Part (2)

Dear Readers,

More on the fairness of the Law.....

The sad reality is that one of the parents, whether it is the mom or the dad, may try to use the Law to his or her advantage. If the Law were more equitable, such issues would not occur as often.

During my divorce, I went to the library and read up on Family Law. I encountered a site that published statistics regarding divorce in all 50 States! it was very interesting to see that the State of Minnesota, I believe, had the highest ratio of Shared or Joint Custody, and at the same time, it had one of the lowest divorce rates in the country. The explanation is very simple: when a parent sees that there is no advantage that she or he may get from the divorce, then she or he may try to make the marriage work instead of rushing into a divorce.

In other words, if a parent realizes that she or he is going to get Sole Custody of the Minor Children, Spousal Support or Alimony, and Child Support, then that parent takes the enticing deal and divorces easily without necessarily contemplating the impact of the divorce on the children or the family as a unit. However, if none of these incentives is offered, then that parent will cogitate over a major decision such as a divorce.

The lesson here is that the Law should not give all to one parent, and virtually nothing to the other parent! I will expound on that idea next time!

I bid you a good night.

Dr. Dreamer

Is Family Law Fair? Part (1)

Good evening everyone!

Tonight, I am going to talk about a very sensitive topic: The Law!

Is the Law or are the Laws fair to all parties involved in a divorce?
This is a very difficult question to answer because it depends on the perspective of the parties involved. In other words, moms may feel a certain way about certain laws, whereas dads may feel differently about same.

Let's take a look at Alimony for instance. Most likely, women, in general, feel that this is fair based on the fact that maybe their salary is lower than that of their ex husbands, etc...whereas men, in general, would feel that it is unfair, as the Law privileges women for no reason, and it takes the money that the men earn by working hard to give it to their ex wives.

Further, if we take a look at Child Custody, we'll see how complicated and complex this is. Every state has a list of factors according to which Child Custody is awarded. This list is technically called "Determining Factors". Please, consult the Determining Factors in your state for the compete list of factors. Some of the factors may vary from state to state, however, the majority of these factors will be endemic to most states.

Let's examine some of the Child Custody factors. One of the factors is "the love and affection" that a parent has for the children. While this is nice factor to use, it is very difficult to measure such emotions, as people display their emotions and/or love differently.

Moreover, there is the biggest Flaw in the Law: whoever spent more time with the kids prior to divorce becomes the "primary care giver" of the children, and, therefore, has a greater chance of being awarded sole custody of the minor children. While this may seem fair at first glance, a more profound look divulges the fact that this is not fair to the party who worked so hard to earn money for the household. This is true irrespective of whether the parent staying home is the dad or the mom. In other words, this is unfair irrespective of the gender of the parent.

In my case, personally, I did not wish to work full time while my ex stayed home with the children. In fact, I asked my ex spouse so many times to work at least part time so that I could spend more time with our kids. I also expressed the possibility that we could alternate working. Effectively, I could work for a year while she took care of the kids, and then, I could have stayed home with the kids, while she worked.

She just refused, and the result was that she took advantage of the situation. So, here we see that the Law has a Flaw! What are your choices as a parent/husband in this case? Do you acquiesce in order to avoid a divorce, or do you try to push your wife to work so that both of you would: (A) spend an equitable amount of time with your kids, and (B) be viewed as an equal "care giver" by the court, should there be a divorce?

This issue played a fundamental role in my divorce.....

I will be expounding on this crucial subject next time!

Until then, good night.


Dr. Dreamer

Celebrity Divorces and Money

Dear Loyal Readers,

Life gets so hectic sometimes that I did not have the chance to write for the last few days, but here we go.....

Another interesting, yet very sad, aspect of divorce is GREED!

Unfortunately, many people are driven by pure greed as opposed to principles or scruples!


In other words, some people are more interested in how much money they are going to get from a divorce than whether it's fair or reasonable to do that. Let's take a look together at some data that I have garnered (gathered) for you.

The top 10 celebrity divorces and the settlement amounts are:

(1) Michael Jordan, and Juanita Vanoy: the divorce settlement is estimated at over $150 million.
(2) Neil Diamond and Marcia Murphey: the divorce settlement is $150 million.
(3) Steven Spielberg, and Amy Irving: the divorce settlement is $100 million.
(4) Harrison Ford, and Melissa Mathison: the divorce settlement is $85 million.
(5) Kevin Costner, and Cindy Silva: the divorce settlement is $80 million.
(6) Paul McCartney, and Heather Mills: the divorce settlement is $60 million out of his estimated $700 million.
(7) James Cameron, and Linda Hamilton: the divorce settlement is estimated at $50 million.
(8) Michael Douglas, and Diandra Luker: the divorce settlement is estimated at $45 million.
(9) Lionel Richie, and Diane Richie: the divorce settlement is estimated at $20 million.
(10) Mick Jagger, and Jerry Hall: the divorce settlement is between $15 million and $20 million.

Needless to say that these numbers are mind boggling to the rest of us who do not and will probably never make that kind of money! The point at hand here is how some people look at money irrespective of whether they deserve it.

I am definitely not talking about whether they deserve it according to the law. I am talking about whether they have worked hard to earn this money. In essence, this is money that is handed over to them by law, but they did not really work hard to earn that money.

Some might argue the point of view that some of these celebrities are mothers, and that they deserve some money for the children. Sure, that's what child support is for, but these settlements, as they appear to be, are alimony or spousal support settlements only!

Is it really fair for a spouse to claim that she needs tens of thousands of dollars a month for manicures, massages, etc.......?

I will let you cogitate over that one!

Until next time, good night everybody!

Dr. Dreamer

Child Custody: Britney Spears&Kevin Federline

Good evening!

I have talked before about Child Custody and how important it is during and after a divorce.

I was just reading an interesting article about Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Apparently they have been fighting over legal and physical custody of their two sons. This comes as no surprise, again, as a child is the most important thing out of a marriage!

Back in January, 2007, they reached a temporary child custody arrangement for the month of January. It consists of joint legal custody of the minor children. Physical custody, however, was mainly given to Britney Spears, with some parenting time to Kevin Federline.

Again, the couple probably resorted to a temporary child custody in order to get their lives back while making long-term decisions. Otherwise, people undergoing a divorce can find themselves in real deadlocks due to intransigence of the parties involved.

From experience, I can avouch to the fact that this is one of the most difficult decisions I had to make, as I knew the impact it might have on my children and on me from that point on. Nevertheless, a temporary child custody, as the title indicates it, is not a permanent arrangement. It may be changed, but only if one of the parents can prove a change of circumstances.

Good night!

Dr. Dreamer

Post-divorce life or Starting Over

Good evening,

Dr. Dreamer here: tonight, I am going to talk about post divorce.

What really happens when the divorce is final?
All of a sudden, you will find that your life is totally different from what you once knew!
If you work, you will no longer come home to a full house. If you did not work during the marriage, you will no longer be waiting for your spouse to come home.

Furthermore, you will not see your kids every day the day you used to whether you are a dad or a mom, as chances are you will end up with joint legal and physical custody of your children. To me, this was the devastating part, for I did not see my children every day, which was something I was used and which was totally indispensable in my life!

You have to come to grips, preferably before the divorce is finalized, with the fact that you are not going to see your children the way you did prior to that. When you have the children, you will enjoy them in a different way, as you will no longer have the interference of the other parent. The children will be with you 100% of the time during your parenting time, which is wonderful. On the other hand, when the children are not with you, you are going to miss them tremendously!

In essence, mathematically speaking, this amounts to 50% time with the children, which is what you and your ex spouse had with the children prior to the divorce. This is because when you are still married, you share the time with the kids, so your share is 50%. However, the difference is in the distribution of the time. This is extremely hard, especially at first, but, eventually, you will start accepting it.

I will fill you in, from personal experience, on the post-divorce stages and the consequences.

Until then…..Good Night!

Dr. Dreamer

Parenting Advice/Guidance Part (2)

Dear Loyal Readers,

One of the issues that you may encounter after divorce is the repercussions of the parenting styles. I am currently having a big problem with one of kids in regards to school. My child's attitude is one of "so what?" when it comes to academics!

Unfortunately, my child sees that my ex does not care about academics, and, therefore, thinks that this is OK! I know that this is going to be an ongoing battle in order to convince my child that school is not a commodity, but a necessity!

I am doing my best as a parent to impart my values to my children. However, this will require a lot of patience and perseverance on my part. Who could have ever believed that one would have all sorts of problems even after divorce?

In essence, and sadly, many problems do not cease with the ending of a marriage. I remember somebody who told when I first divorced:"this is not the end; this is only the beginning!"

That person was right.....

Until next time, I bid you a good night!

Dr. Dreamer

In-Laws and Divorce Part (2)

Hello everyone!

Back to the impact of the in-laws on marriages, and divorces!

One of the most important signs or flags to look for is rivalry between your in-laws and you. Sometimes it is initiated by one party or the other, or by a combination thereof. Usually this rivalry is negative in nature and fosters hard feelings which will, in turn, cause tension with the in-laws. This would add a lot of stress on the married couple, as they try to be loyal to their family members as well as to their spouse at the same time!

Clearly this is a very difficult situation for the couple. They both end up feeling torn between in the involved parties. Rivalry with the in-laws is usually not a healthy thing. I remember, that my in-laws were competing with me about every single aspect of which you can think. This was a sign of future problems!

As long as you and your spouse love each other, you will be strong in the face of the storms!
However, as soon as the relationship between the two of you weakens, the impact of the in-laws grows stronger, and their interference will eventually win out.

At first, some of the competition may seem fair to you whether it's about a game, a sport, or a discussion. Nevertheless, there is usually a reason that lies under this rivalry. In essence, your in-laws might be jealous of your achievements be they academic or athletic, etc...

This jealousy becomes the nucleus of future enemies who, when given the opportunity, will, like eagles, swoop down on their prey. So be vigilant!

Until next time, good night!

Dr. Dreamer

In-Laws and Divorce

Dear Loyal Readers,

I hope that everyone has had a good day!

Here is a subject that is probably long overdue for me to discuss!

The impact of "In-laws" is horrendous on a relationship, be it a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship or a marriage. If the In-laws are positive people, they may play a very nice role in bringing the couple together when they have problems or differences. On the other hand, if the In-laws are negative people, they may very well play a major role in bringing about the debacle (downfall) of the couple. Such was my experience with my ex.

Unfortunately, my ex's family are not only very negative people, but also very mean!
Needless to say that this did not help at all when my ex and I started to have our differences. Sadly, my ex's in-laws are such unreasonable people that they never thought of our children and what's in their best interest! I believe that this, in and of itself, speaks of the types of people they are.

This is not to relieve my ex from the lion's share of selfishness and mistakes! In fact, in listening to one's family members, one has already made a decision to "go" with what they are going to say to a certain degree. All parties involved, starting with the parents of the children, and all in-laws should understand that the well being of the children is of utmost importance, and that there is no room for vendettas in case of divorces.

I will add to these thoughts next time.....

Have a great night!

Dr. Dreamer

Single Dad Part (1)

Hello,

Today, I am going to talk about a Single Dad!

I know a Single Dad who works very hard all day, and after work, he works very hard taking care of his children. He is a very devoted Dad.
After work, he picks up the kids from school.

He helps them out with their homework. In fact, he is the type of Dad who spends the time to look at all the details pertaining to his children's homework. Unlike his ex wife, he sits next to them in order to make it appealing to them. This is, of course, until they get into the habit of doing the homework without having him sit next to them.

The kids love that, and they do their homework with their Dad. On the other hand, when the children are with their mother, they do not do their homework because she is the type who does not want to make the effort of helping her children with homework.

Furthermore, the Dad is as dedicated regarding his children's extracurricular activities. He makes sure to take them to their classes, and is careful about being punctual, for punctuality develops a sense of responsibility so as to make the children aware of the importance of being on time whether it is for school, extracurricular activities, or work when they get older.

Sadly, the children's mother is not punctual at all. In fact she does not believe that it is important to be on time. As a result, the kids are constantly late to school, and to extracurricular activities.

The kids are confused, and do not know what is right and what is wrong, for their role models act so differently. This is an uphill battle for the Dad, as, even though he is right, he has to constantly remind his children of the right way of doing things.

Have a good afternoon everyone.

Dr. Dreamer

Single mom: Part (2)

Good evening!

On the first part of "single mom", I talked a little about "A".

Tonight, I am going to fill you in on some new developments. One of the major problems, when a relationship ends, occurs when there are minor children involved. As you know from part (1), "A" has a baby, and her ex boyfriend left her to go back to his former girlfriend.

While this is sad enough in and of itself, her ex boyfriend now wants to have sole custody of their child. Needless to say how she feels! She has been the primary care giver since the baby was born, and now, all of a sudden, she is faced with this issue. She was talking to me and asking me what she should do. My advice was for her to calm down, and then talk to an attorney should need be.

What is strange, yet interesting, is the fact that her ex left his child, and did not care to have him more than one night per week, and now he wants to have sole custody of their child. Why this sudden change of heart? did he all of a sudden realize how important his child is to him? (Please see my comments in part (1)).

I would advise both of them to get together and discuss the issue amicably in order to find a solution that would satisfy both of them. This is the best way of solving problems, as litigation may be very lengthy and very costly. Further, litigation may yield results which neither parent likes.

Until next time, I bid you a good night!

Dr. Dreamer

Friend Of the Court FOC

The Friend Of the Court, FOC, is an entity that facilitates the handling of child-related issues and other issues, such as Child Custody, Parenting Time, Child Support, and Spousal Support, formerly Alimony. The Friend Of the Court does not exist in all states. The Friend Of the Court helps the Court with the above issues.

Dating/Relationship/Marriage Warnings Part (10)

Dear Loyal readers,

Tonight, I will expound on "things in common".

The more things in common you have with your girlfriend/boyfriend, or your husband/wife, the better the relationship will be both short term and long term!

In fact, the long-term relationship is the one which benefits the most from that. Again, the interests that people share help a relationship work even after so many years of marriage. For example, it would be good if both partners liked the same type of music, and it would be even better if they liked the same sports, etc...

So, when you are in the process of choosing a partner, make sure that you have something in common. Remember, the more, the better! This does not mean that you have to be identical. Some differences are welcome, as long as they are not fundamental!

Here is an example of a fundamental difference: if you value education, for example, and your girlfriend/boyfriend does not, this is a major and a fundamental difference that might lead to serious problems in the future. While you might think at first that this is "cute" or that "it's not a big deal", think again!

The reality is that this is going to affect your relationship drastically, should you decide to have children for example. Again, the minute you have children, you will develop the instincts of protecting them and doing what's best for them. If your partner does not value education and you do, this will be a source of major conflicts!

More on that next time.......

I bid you a good night!

Dr. Dreamer

Dating/Relationship/Marriage Warnings Part (9)

Good evening!

Last time, I talked a little about "having things in common" and how important that is in a relationship whether it is while dating, or during a marriage. A couple of days ago, I remembered something interesting, which I thought I would share with you.

First, I would like to mention that I do not have all the facts about what I am going to share with you. I remembered that Andre Agassi, the famous tennis player, married Brooke Shields. they were happily married for a while, and I even saw Andre on a show where he was talking about how many kids he and Brooke wanted to have. Needless to say that he and she were happy together at that point in time.

Then I remembered my "criterion" about having something in common. We all know that Andre Agassi and Brooke Shields divorced after a two-year marriage, and that, later on, Andre married Steffi Graf who is a famous tennis player! Interestingly enough, Steffi had just come out of a seven-year relationship with a race car driver!

It is clear that the passion they both have for the game has kept them together. This is what I meant by having something in common so that when love takes the back seat, there are still things to do and talk about together!

I will let you cogitate over this thought.......

Until next time, have a great evening!

Dr. Dreamer

Parenting Advice Part (1)

Hello,

Needless to say that this is one of the most important topics!

During the difficult times of a divorce, you want to make sure to keep your focus on your kids. In essence, your kids should always come first. Try to shield the kids as much as you can. It is best if you can avoid arguing with your spouse in front of the kids, as this only hurts them.

Talk to your children about the divorce with a low tone, and explain to them that both parents love them, and that they, the children, have not done anything wrong. In other words, the children should not feel guilty because their parents are divorcing, as this is none of their doing. We understand that they will feel sad, but we do not want them to feel guilty!

As hard as it may be at times, try not to speak negatively about the other parent, mom or dad, as this is awkward for the kids and it affects them negatively. If both parents speak negatively about each other to the kids, then the children will be torn and will feel helpless.

I will expound on some of those issues next time.....

Have a great weekend everybody!

Dr. Dreamer

Dating/Relationship Warnings Part (8)

Dear Loyal Readers,

Tonight, I am going to add to the dating, relationship, and marriage warnings. I remember that as a teenager, my friends and I used to like to chat about what we would like in a partner!

Those were the fun days for sure! We were so young and so full of zest and hope…….

It is interesting to see that one of the criteria that we set as teenagers was correct, and was more mature in nature, though we did not know it at the time, then the criterion that I used later on. Specifically, I am referring to "having things in common" such as hobbies, etc...

At first, we had those "young" ideas that a partner should share or like the same type of music, the same type of sport, etc... A few years later, I thought, personally, that this criterion stemmed from the fact that we were too young, because it seemed so strict. However, amazingly enough, I discovered, as years went by, that this criterion made perfect sense.

The reason is, as years go by, and as love loses its stronghold, it is crucial to have a few things in common with your partner in order for the relationship to survive and last!

More next time!

Good night!

Dr. Dreamer

The Yearning, the Romance, and the Reality Part (3)

Good evening everyone,

I hope that you have had a good day/evening thus far!

A little more on reality.....

You realize that it' s reality when you are dragged to court over every detail. When you go to court, you see how much your ex has it in for you, unless, of course, it is for a legitimate reason. However, the latter is seldom the case!

When you and your ex are at odds, and clash frequently, you do not have the luxury to yearn (long) over the past, and what might have been, had you not divorced!

In my mind, and based upon my own experience, the Reality strips the Yearning from you, for, all of a sudden, you have to face that Reality. If you do not face it, and fall into the Yearning mood, you will get in trouble. Make sure to be prepared at all times, for there is no room for error in court battles!

It is very interesting that I have chosen "The Yearning, and The Reality" as a symbol for the site. In fact, to me, these two words are almost antonyms (opposites). The Yearning and the Reality express the vicissitudes of my life (checkered life)!

Definitely more on that later.......

Have a good night everybody!

Dr. Dreamer

The Yearning, The Romance, and The Reality Part (2)

Dear Loyal Readers,

Tonight, I just want to talk a little about the "Reality".

The Reality is when you realize how devious your ex spouse is!!!!!
You wonder how you ever got together with that person in first place. It is sad and deplorable that our world is fraught (filled) with such people who have no scruples!

Life does not have and should not be that difficult. It is rendered so difficult by people who have no moral values, and who do not care about the impact their actions have on others, including their own children!

This falls under Selfishness, Deviousness, and Recklessness!

Until next time, I bid you a good night!

Dr. Dreamer

Wedding Warnings or Flags Part (1)

Hi everybody,

Today, I am going to talk about one of the most important topics: The Wedding!

There are two steps to a Wedding: (A) the preparation that precedes the wedding, and (B) the wedding itself. Part (A) is really critical in determining some of the red flags. This is a period when people are somewhat under a certain amount of pressure in order to meet deadlines. Generally, people show some of their true stripes when under pressure.

If from the beginning, you and your spouse to be are not seeing eye to eye in regards to “who should pay what” during the preparation for the wedding, then this is your first flag!

One of the issues that I noticed back then, when I was getting married, is that my would-be spouse skimped on what she was supposed to pay for, whereas I did pay my fair share for my portion without skimping. As a result, the photographer that my ex spouse picked was rather an amateur, not a professional. One could see that through the quality of some of the pictures.

Further, as my would-be spouse, back then, picked a photographer who knew my spouse’s family, he took more pictures of her family while ignoring some of my family members. This may be ascribed to one of two reasons: either my spouse did not direct the photographer a priori as to who the in-laws were, and therefore, he did not know who they were, or that my spouse did direct him to emphasize her family.

The former case would imply a lack of attention and sensitivity, whereas the latter would imply selfishness! In either case, you can see that the outcome is not good. This should be some of the warnings or red flags.

Until nest time, good night everyone, and keep the dreams alive!

Dr. Dreamer

The Yearning, the Romance, and the Reality Part (1)

Hello everyone,

I hope that you are having a great weekend!

Tonight, I am going to talk about nostalgia or yearning. We, as human beings, are bound to remember, at least from time to time, the good times or what I call "when things were fine"!

One of the things that I noticed is that, during the divorce, my ex and I were viewing, and most importantly, feeling matters differently. First, I have to point out the fact that my ex and I were still living together through the first part of our divorce. This was an effort on my part to try to reconcile our differences for our kids' sakes. In essence, I felt melancholic (sad), whereas my ex did not express such feelings. In fact, on several occasions, I tried to discuss such feelings with my ex, in order to elicit (bring out) the best out of my spouse to no avail.

I would evoke certain memories that we shared together, my spouse and I, and ask:"do you remember that?" "Do you think of these things sometimes?" "Doesn't it make you sad...?"
But the answers were not sentimental, they were rather abrupt in nature. My spouse was more interested in watching the rest of the TV show instead of answering my questions and engaging in a discussion that might lead to a reconciliation.....

I am sure that all of you, who have divorced, have felt at one point or another some form of melancholy over your divorce. The same is true of a boyfriend and a girlfriend who break up. Some might remember their first date at a restaurant, while others might remember a nice evening together at home...

More on the yearning and romance next time.....

Good night!

Dr. Dreamer

Prenuptial Agreements Part (2)

Dear Loyal and New Readers,

More on prenuptial agreements...

Spousal Support, formerly known as Alimony, and Property Settlement are Unmodifiable. Therefore, if the two parties involved agree not to pay each other alimony or spousal support, this would most likely hold after the divorce is pronounced.

The same is true of Property settlement, such as, but not limited to, a house, money in the bank, etc... Again, if the two parties agree a priori (beforehand) on who will have the house or the money in the bank account, etc... then it would hold after the divorce.

It is a good idea for couples to work out those details prior to getting married in order to avoid the ordeal that might happen should there be a divorce!

From Doctor Dreamer, Good Night!

Prenuptial agreements Part (1)

Dear Loyal Readers and New Readers,

Tonight, I am going to talk about prenuptial agreements, as this is a very important subject as it pertains to marriage and divorce. The idea of a prenuptial agreement is to protect both parties, the future wife and the future husband, from any surprises should they ever decide to divorce.

In essence, you are trying to write your own destiny as much as you can. However, you cannot write your whole destiny even if both parties agree.

Here is why it is not possible to have total control over what happens in the case of a divorce. The reason is that the law has two categories. Some issues fall in the MODIFIABLE category, and other issues fall in the UNMODIFIABLE category.

The former category includes, but is not limited to, CHILD CUSTODY, and CHILD SUPPORT, whereas the latter includes, but is not limited to, SPOUSAL SUPPORT, formerly known as ALIMONY, and PROPERTY SETTLEMENT.

In other words, if the husband and wife agree that the wife, future mother, or the husband, future father, for example, would have sole custody of the future children, should there be a divorce, it would not hold in court at the time of divorce. CHILD CUSTODY is based on many factors and specifically on WHAT IS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE MINOR CHILDREN. Therefore, it is not something that could be determined ten years ahead!

Likewise, CHILD SUPPORT is a MODIFIABLE, as it is calculated based on a mathematical formula that takes into account both the number of OVERNIGHTS that the children spend with each parent, and the SALARY earned by each parent.

Next time, I will be covering SPOUSAL SUPPORT (ALIMONY), and PROPERTY SETTLEMENT. Until then.....

Good night!

Dr. Dreamer

A Single Mom: Relationship Warnings Part(1)

Dear Loyal Readers,

Tonight, I would like to talk to you about a friend of mine who is undergoing a very difficult time. She was involved in a relationship with somebody for sometime before discovering that she was pregnant.

At first, her boyfriend was very excited and was following up on the pregnancy. Unfortunately, this did not last for too long. As it turned out, he was going out, supposedly just for lunch, with his ex girlfriend. Sadly enough, he went back to his former girlfriend and left his pregnant girlfriend all alone! She later on had a baby boy!

Now, how fair is that? and how smart is that?

Needless to say that this is totally unfair to my friend who did not deserve this at all. In addition, he made the biggest mistake of his life, as he is giving up on the most precious person in his life, his son, in order to be back with his former girlfriend.

People need to understand that their child, from the day she or he is born, shall be the most important person in their life henceforth. Your child is part of you and you of her or him. These two parts shall be eternally inseparable!

My friend "A" is a full-time mom, a full-time employee, and a full-time student! she is strong and a true grit!

More on "A" next time!

I bid you a good night!

Dr. Dreamer

Selecting the Right Divorce Attorney or Lawyer Part (2)

Hi Everyone,

Here is some more on how to select or choose the right attorney or lawyer for you. What you need to understand is that what matters is not necessarily to have the best attorney in town, rather, to have an attorney or a lawyer who is compatible with you.

In other words, you should be looking for an attorney who gets along well with you, and who listens to you. My experience has been that there are various types of attorneys out there. Some of them, or I should say the majority, are overbearing in nature and like to dictate everything.

My personal opinion is that you should stay away from that type, unless you really just want to be a follower throughout. Other lawyers, however, are more open and friendlier. These are the ones that I recommend!

By getting along well with your attorney, you will feel that things are going fairly well for you. This is priceless from a psychological point of view! This is the equivalent of winning half the battle.

Further, you will be spending your time efficiently with your attorney regarding the strategy that you will be using in some of the most important battles of your life, if not the most important one!

A concomitant (byproduct) of spending time efficiently with your attorney is saving money, as you will not be wasting any time on arguing with him or her.

Next time, I will be talking about signs to watch for when selecting an attorney...

From Dr. Dreamer, good night everybody!

Alimony or Spousal Support Definition

Alimony, a former term for Spousal Support, is the amount of money that a spouse gets from the husband/wife based on the difference in incomes. The term alimony is on its way of disappearing from the court terminology, as it is a term that is associated with the idea that the husband pays the wife, whereas the new term adopted by the court, namely Spousal Support, sends a fairer message in that the amount to be paid may be to either the husband, or the wife, based on the relative income.

Dr. Dreamer

Selecting the Right Divorce Attorney or Lawyer Part (1)

Dear Loyal Readers,

Let me talk to you a little about how to choose a good attorney. It's very easy to choose a lawyer that you will ultimately not like. Here is how to avoid the mistakes that I have made.

The most important quality or trait that you should be looking for in an attorney is his or her being approachable! if an attorney is of the type who is rigid and only wants to dictate what should be done without consulting with you, then stay away from him or her.

Attorney fees are extremely high, and the last thing that you want to do is waste your time arguing with your lawyer about how matters should be handled. I had such a problem with my first lawyer who was very argumentative, which ultimately cost me a lot of money.

My fist lawyer did not like the fact that I was logical and sequential in my thinking. She thought that this was haughty of me, whereas the reality was from that. I was only interested in presenting her with the proofs needed to establish my case. Apparently, she felt that I was taking over her job. When I let her handle things on her own, she did nothing, and all I would get from her was bills!

Interested in this subject?
Please come and visit more often!

From Dr. Dreamer, I wish all of you a wonderful evening and a very good night!

"Dissolution of Marriage" Definition

The legal terminology for a Divorce is "Dissolution of Marriage". The rationale behind the terminology stems from the fact that, when a couple divorces, the marriage dissolves.

Dr. Dreamer

"Modification of Parenting Time" Definition

A Modification of Parenting Time implies a change in the current custody or parenting time that the children spend with either parent. Therefore, a modification of parenting time entails a change in the time ratio, or percentage of time, that the children will spend with each parent.

It is important to understand that a modification of parenting time does mean a change of custody!

Dr. Dreamer

Legal Term "Motion" or"File a Motion"

Hello everybody!

Here is a word that you are going to encounter in courts and in the "legal" world: Motion. A motion is the legal procedure that one has to use in order to alter a current situation. The procedure is called "file a motion". Some examples are: a motion to change custody, a motion to change child support, etc...

Dr. Dreamer

Money or Financial Compatibility and Relationship/Marriage/Divorce Part 2

Hello,

Here are some more thoughts on this topic. I have already mentioned that when you look for a partner, make sure that you are seeing eye to eye regarding finances.

Here is a very important point I would like to make. Before people get married, there should be an agreement between the couple as to how work is going to be divided between the two of them. It is critical to know whether both are going to be working, or just one of the two.

This issue becomes crucial for couples who decide to have children. If one of the two parents chooses to stay home, it has to be with the absolute consent of the other in order to avoid any sore points between the "future parents".

The one who stays home with the child(ren) should have the understanding the he/she cannot just babysit the child(ren) and do nothing else, and then claim that he/she "took care of the kids". The reality is that the person who stays home, whether it's the mom or the dad, should be responsible for other tasks such as homework, laundry, cooking, etc... Of course, the working person should help too, but realistically that person will come home after a full day at work with little energy, if any, left.

Other arrangements are also possible. More on this next time!

Have a great weekend!

Dr. Dreamer

Money or Financial Compatibility and Relationship/Marriage/Divorce Part 1

Hello everyone,

I hope that everybody is excited to go home and enjoy the weekend!
For those of you who have to work over the weekend, like me, you have my sympathy!

Today, I would like to talk a little bit about the effect that "money" has on a relationship or marriage. This is a sore point between many couples, and is often one of the main causes of marital problems.

When people engage in a relationship, at first, they do not look at how this may become a serious issue later on. Prior to getting married, each one has his/her own money. The girlfriend may be earning more than her boyfriend or vice-versa.

When people get married, the parameters change, and all of a sudden, the money that the two are making is added up and used for the household. This is fine, as long as the two agree on how to spend the money and how much they should save, etc... However, if they do not see eye to eye as to these issues, then money may cause dissension...

When looking for a partner, make sure that the two of you share more or less the same financial ideas, in other words, make sure that you are financially compatible. For instance, it is not a good idea for a thrifty person to engage in a relatio